you shy devil you

Hey everybody! First, a quick “howdy” to all my new readers and subscribers! Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate all the comments and messages I’ve been reading!

I wanted to mention that this has been a very slow posting week for me, as I’m currently on the job hunt. This is definitely not the status quo, and hopefully I’ll be back to full speed shortly!

Thanks for your support!

The first five seconds you ever spend with a person are the most crucial five seconds you will have in your entire relationship. In these five seconds you introduce yourself to your new acquaintance, and it is in these five seconds that this person forms an indelible image of you in their mind. Introduce yourself effectively and you will leave a favorable first impression that will remain with this person forever; fail to do so and you will do nothing short of dooming the relationship from the start.

Again, five seconds. Below I’ve outlined the four key elements to an excellent introduction. Practice these. Master these. These are the keys to forming new and stronger friendships.

1) Make physical contact
A good introduction involves some form of physical contact. On a subconscious level, physical contact is the strongest way to bond with someone, bar none. No high fives here, this will usually be a handshake, or possibly a hug in certain contexts. If you shake hands, make it a good one. Firm grip, two pumps. Be confident in your handshake, practice it. In the event of a hug, give them the same form of hug you would give a close member of your family. No one-armed hugs, and under no circumstances should you hesitate. If an introduction calls for a hug, you’re probably already closely related to the person socially, so treat this person as if they were your new best friend.

2) Make eye contact
Make strong, focused eye contact on your new friend during the entire encounter. Look the person square in the eye when you are first introduced (or introduce yourself), and keep it on them for the length of the introduction. Looking away or not making good eye contact is a huge indicator that you have no interest in knowing the new person, even if you don’t intend that. I’ve written up some pointers on eye contact in my 5 1/2 tips on making effective eye contact.

3) Say both of your names
An excellent introduction will involve saying both your name and the name of your new acquaintance in a strong and confident manner. A simple exchange is something like this:

Tom: “Hi, I’m Tom.”
Joe: “Hi Tom, I’m Joe.”
Tom: “Nice to meet you Joe.”

Notice each person said both their own name and the other person’s name. Dale Carnegie said that “a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” With this in mind, use the other person’s name as frequently as possible in the conversation, as you will not only build the relationship, but help yourself remember the other person’s name (a problem I admit I have myself).

4) Smile
“Hi. I’m pleased to meet you.”

You may not use these words when you speak, but keeping a friendly smile on your face will say it for you. Smiling in general is an awesome way to give off good vibes to anybody around you. It is something definitely worth practicing in a mirror. Personally, I had found that my smile came off as more of a grin (think Batman’s Joker), which wasn’t giving off the vibe I wanted. I actually practiced in front of a mirror for some time to discover that I need to use a different set of muscles to form a friendlier smile. Since then I’ve found that more and more people I meet reciprocate my friendliness when we are introduced.

You want to come off as naturally as possible when you introduce yourself to somebody, and although it may sound contradictory, the best way to act naturally is practice, practice, practice! “Practice constantly” is the one piece of advice I’ve gotten from everybody I’ve ever approached about improving my people skills, so pull out that mirror and get to it!

The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.

-Lady Bird Johnson

These are some amazing tips I found a while back that are useful for increasing your confidence. These can be applied to any kind of situation, which makes them all the more useful!

4.) Use the “as-if” frame. I literally love this frame of mind. If you were confident, how would you be acting? How would you be moving? How would you be speaking? What would you be thinking? What would you tell yourself inside? By asking yourself these questions, you are literally forced to answer them by going into a confident state. You will then be acting “as-if” you are confident. Now just forget you are acting long enough and pretty soon you’ll develop it into a habit.

7 Helpful Tips To Immediately Increase Your Confidence

Eye contact is one of the easiest forms of body language to use, but one of the most difficult to master. Good eye contact sends good vibes to others and makes you seem interested (and interesting!), while bad eye contact can make you seem distant and uninterested, and can even offend others. For some people, social anxiety can cause eye contact to be a painful experience, but that doesn’t make it any less crucial to master!

Here’s 5 1/2 tips for getting on the road to mastering eye contact:

1. Do make eye contact. Avoiding eye contact with somebody, especially when you are engaged in conversation, with is a huge no-no. It is equivalent to saying “I don’t really want to interact with you, and I really don’t care about what you’re saying” You may not actually be thinking these things, but your body language is saying this for you.

If you find it difficult or even uncomfortable to make eye contact with others, which is a very common anxiety, there a few hacks you can try to work around it. The easiest is to look at another part of the person’s face, such as a cheek or their brow. This gives the impression that you are making eye contact, but is easier because you are not looking them directly in the eye, which is difficult for some people. Other trick is to stare “through” the person, much like those “magic eye” images from back in the day. Look in the direction of the person you are talking to, but relax your focus so that you are fixed on something “behind” the person. Again, you appear to be making eye contact, but your focus is elsewhere, making it easier. Just be careful your eyes don’t glaze over!

2. Don’t stare! Make eye contact, but break it up occasionally by looking away, at your drink, or whatever (just don’t look at your watch!).

A Catch-22 if there ever was one, there’s a delicate balance between making too little and too much eye contact! Keeping an unbroken stare on somebody can give off some vibes you may not intend. Depending on the context, you may be interpreted as in disagreement with what is being said, as being hostile towards the other person, or just as plain creepy!

3. Mimic the speaker’s level and intensity of eye contact. If you have problems with how much eye contact to give somebody, this is a great trick.

Somebody who is talking about casually about some lighter topic maintains a more casual, relaxed level of eye contact. A person talking about a topic they are very interested maintains a different, more intense level of eye contact. Whatever the speaker does, mimic it while listening, and use it when you’re speaking. This is a great technique as it makes you appear more engaged in the conversation, even if you are not talking!

4. Don’t scan. When you are talking with somebody, you need not engage them in a staring contest, but don’t be looking around the room while they are talking (or while you’re talking to them).

This gives off the same signals as avoiding eye contact does: you appear disinterested in the other person and are looking for a reason to leave. This is probably not the case (as you wouldn’t have gotten into the conversation with them in the first place), so be sure to keep your attention focused on who you are talking with.

5. Acknowledge it when you make eye contact with somebody. I’m talking about you, Mr./Ms. “oops, we made eye contact so I’ll look in the opposite direction so it looks like I was just looking around!”

Making eye contact with somebody is just that; you’ve made contact with them. Recognize that internally, and acknowledge that externally. Depending on the situation, this may mean a quick smile or nod, a simple “hi” or “how you doing,” or even starting up a conversation. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore that you’ve made eye contact with somebody. It’ s a sure-fire way to insult somebody from across a room, as it’s the same as saying “Yeah I see you, but I don’t feel you’re worthy of more of my attention.”

5 1/2. Practice, practice, practice!

This is only half a tip because it applies to almost anything in life. Eye contact is a tough thing to master, and can be even tougher if you wait until when it counts to practice it. I recommend practicing it in “easier” social situations, such as with shopkeepers, cashiers or wait staff at a restaurant. Make a conscious effort to make eye contact with these kinds of people. They are usually less intimidating than a random stranger, as it is their job to greet you and be hospitable to you. You may never have put much thought into your interactions with these sorts of people, but it’s a great way to build the foundation for making good eye contact with others!

Anyway, hope that was helpful for you! Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!

[E]ven if it’s easier than ever to show the world just how many people you know, it’s no simple task to network in a way that’s at the same time sincere and effective. How do you build relationships online that are professionally useful but still human and genuine?

One of the points I really like in this article is about services like Facebook and LinkedIn abstract away the human element from networking. It’s important to remember that there are people sitting behind the computer, and we need to build relationships instead of friend counts.

How to Network like a Human, not a Computer

This post is the third in a three post series on fundamental techniques for dealing with people, based on Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. For the intro to the series and links to the other articles, go here.

The first two posts in this series dealt with what people don’t ever want to hear, and what people always want to hear. Using those two ideas as a foundation, let’s today look at a far more fundamental topic: what people want, and the role it plays in interpersonal relationships.

“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”

How selfish of you! If you think about this statement for a moment, you’ll realize it’s truth: everything you’ve ever done, at some fundamental level, had a selfish motive. Sure, you donated to some charity. Why? Because the charity wanted money? No; it was because you wanted to feel good about yourself. Even now, you’re reading this article because of selfish reasons: you want to improve your relationships with others.

Understanding this truth about yourself and, in fact, all people, is the key to improving your relationships with others.

In the article on giving honest and sincere appreciation, I started off with a quote that applies again here:

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. . . And that is by making the other person want to do it.”

To get anybody to do anything, you must get them to want to do it. Equally important is to understand the following: to get anybody to do anything, don’t talk about it in terms of what you want.

You don’t care about what I want, unless you want to feel good about yourself by helping me. And we’re not that close yet, I don’t even know your name.

So, if I want to convince you to do something, say, read my blog, I need to come at it from your point of view, and figure out what you want. Instead of my talking about what I want, (”come read my blog because I want to become the biggest and most successful blogger ever!”), I phrase it in terms of what you want (”come read my blog because I think you can get a great deal out of what I write about and you can engage in discussion about some interesting topics!”).

Henry Ford once said,

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

In my opinion, this statement is common sense, but most people ignore this advice most of the time. Think about the last few times you’ve asked somebody for something: did you phrase it in terms of what you wanted or what they wanted? As an experiment, go out and try asking others for things, but phrase it in terms of what they want. The likelihood that the other person will do what you ask will increase dramatically if you phrase it in terms of what they want.

Since this is an article on Carnegie’s book, specifically his Three Fundamental Techniques in Handling People, I really ought to quote it at some point. Here we go, the third technique:

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

An eager want. An eager want? But james, all you’ve talked about so far is what people want! How can I get somebody to eagerly want something?

Easy, be eager about it yourself!

When applying this technique, you must meet the other person with as much enthusiasm about the benefit you are about to bring them as you want them to have themselves.

If I were trying to sell you a car, what would be more effective: if I listed out the features of the car in a dry and disinterested way, or engaged with you about the features of the car you were interested in? If you were also an audiophile I’d be trying to sell you on the “absolutely seamless integration with your iPod or other digital music player and the amazing fidelity the high quality surround sound speakers provided you while you’re cruising down the highway,” and so on. If I just casually mentioned its “external input jack and Brand X speakers,” would you be as interested? Unlikely.

Of course, when trying out the principle of arousing in others an eager want, you must honestly be enthused about it. We can all tell when somebody is being disingenuous. Muster up in yourself some honest sincerity and get excited about the value you are about to add to somebody’s life.

And that’s it. The ability to arouse in others an eager want is the key to successful relationships in the professional and personal spheres.

Here’s another Carnegie quote (from his book) I have posted up on my wall:

“Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

This post is the second in a three post series on fundamental techniques for dealing with people, based on Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. For the intro to the series and links to the other articles, go here.

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. . . And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Write that down. It’s important. But it’s not THE big secret; that’s later.

So how do you make somebody want to do something? I’m sure everybody has their own ways of persuading/coercing others into doing things. Some are more effective than others, and some have repercussions.

Let’s say you need money, and you want to get it from a friend. You could ask, but maybe they won’t give it to you. You could point a gun at your friend and you’ll definitely get money from them, but it is unlikely that you will remain friends (and even more unlikely you’ll stay out of jail).

The example is far-fetched, but the point is the same: some methods of eliciting cooperation from others can be ineffective, and some, while effective, can have consequences.

However, there is one way that is sure-fire way to arouse enthusiasm in others that almost always works and won’t land you in jail: Appeal to the other person’s sense of importance.

If there is one fundamental emotional need that everybody has within them, it’s the need to feel important. Well, ok, if you ask Freud, he’d say the need to feel important and the sex drive, but asking me for advice on sex is like asking a blind person for driving directions (*rim-shot*). So lets stick with the first one.

While the need to feel important is common to everybody, how we each get that feeling is unique to each of us. Carnegie says:

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.

How you get your feeling of importance defines your character. A vain person may get a sense of importance by regarding themselves as beautiful/handsome; an altruistic person feels important when they help others.

To improve relations with others, we have to identify how the people we are dealing with get their sense of importance, and then appeal to that sense. The good news is that while everybody has their own way of feel important, there is an easy way to feed that feeling. It is Carnegie’s second fundamental technique in handling people:

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

That’s the big secret. Recognize that every person you deal with is proud of something, and show them sincere and honest appreciation for it. Recognize that every person you deal with is providing you with something you could not have without them, and show them sincere and honest appreciation for it. Recognize that every person you deal with is better than you in some area, and show them sincere and honest appreciation for it.

This is the biggest secret in deal with people. Master this and you will muster loyalty from your friends, and will find people are more willing to do as you ask.

Some guy named Charles Schwab once said:

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

Develop the ability to show honest and sincere appreciation and you will find yourself more successful in dealing with others.

On the other hand, fail to show honest appreciation and you will find your relationships deteriorating. Neglect showing appreciation to your friends and they will appreciate your company less and less; neglect showing honest and sincere appreciation to your significant other, and you may find yourself without them sooner or later.

Notice that I say honest and sincere appreciation. Cheap, insincere flattery won’t do it. We, as human beings, are able to detect when somebody is being insincere, and we resent it. Be sincere.

And that’s it. That’s the big secret. Show honest and sincere appreciation to everybody you deal with, and your relationships with others will improve drastically.

A challenge for everybody reading: for the next week, go out of your way each day to show appreciation to your friends/spouse/significant other/employees/coworkers, or a random stranger. Leave a comment and let me know how it goes!

This post is the first in a three post series on fundamental techniques for dealing with people, based on Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. For the intro to the series and links to the other articles, go here.

I’ll admit it, I’m one of the worst offenders of this first principle. To demonstrate, let me give you a quick (and mostly true) anecdote.

I was promoted to manager at the last company I worked at. There was this guy on my team who just couldn’t do anything right. He would blow past his deadlines, and when he finally finished his deliverables, they were frequently of low quality. This would infuriate me off, and I would make sure he knew it. I’d say things like “You really need to work on X,” “This is a terrible ______,” or “Why can’t you just do such and such?” Did any of this make the situation better? The answer is a resounding “No!”; in fact, it made the situation worse. My team member now harbored resentment against me, and became increasingly defensive if I called his skills into question. This team failed because of my inability to handle this situation correctly.

A few months later, I found myself with a different team. One of the members of this team was in the same situation as the first employee I mentioned above: he was always late and everything he made was low quality. This would frustrate me to no end, since now the entire team was falling behind in its goals. I could list a hundred things the guy could do to improve; I even went so far as to write the guy up for disciplinary action. But what did I do differently this time?

I kept all my criticisms to myself. I wrote the disciplinary letter, and filed it away.

Instead, I gave this guy encouragement and support, never mentioning his shortcomings. The result was amazing: instead of having a bitter, under-performing employee, he overcame his own challenges and became a rock star who I was good friends with. He’s also now on the fast-track to management.

My example deals with a managerial situation, but the principle, as Carnegie verbalized it over 70 years ago, applies to any social situation. To improve your handling of other people, abide by Principle 1:

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

Looking back on my example above, isn’t it a little odd how even constructive criticism can be harmful? The first employee I mentioned definitely had a lot of room for improvement, but me point it out so bluntly is like using a sledge hammer to tape something to the wall: yeah, it’ll get the job done, but is the resulting damage really worth it?

Why are people like this? Carnegie phrases it well:

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

In the intro to this series, I mentioned the contrast between what somebody wants to hear and what then need to hear. Criticism is something that people may need to hear, but never want to hear. How then, can one affect change in others without arousing resentment? I’ll follow up in a few posts with a series of articles on Carnegie’s 9 Principles of Leadership, which provides a few answers. To give you a sneak peak, some of the gems are: begin with praise, point out flaws indirectly, let the other person save face and use encouragement whenever a slight improvement is noted.

Any left-brainers reading this? (*james raises his hand) Yeah, we’re the worst offenders of the no-criticism rule. Being rational beings, the logic goes something like this:

1. Person X has problem Y with themselves
2. I’ve identified the problem
3. They have obviously not identified the problem, otherwise they would have changed
4. I should tell them about their problem so they can change for the better(and they’ll thank me for pointing it out)

Nope. There’s enough flaws in this logic that I could write a few thousand words about them, but for brevity, lets consider #4. Very rarely have I witnessed somebody giving another person criticism and being met with praise. And it is even less likely that the criticized person will make the suggested change. Carnegie points out:

The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has condemned.

For now, I offer this advice: the next time you find yourself wanting to criticize somebody, don’t. Instead, first think if it is even necessary to reveal a fault to somebody. Does it really matter? If you still must correct somebody’s behavior, do it in a subtle way. Don’t be the sledge hammer.

One more from Mr. Carnegie to wrap it up:

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

An open question: what techniques for softening the blow of criticism would you suggest for others?

One of the definitions (at least, the one that I like) of “shyness” says that shyness is apprehension or lack of confidence in social interactions. One of the biggest sources of this lack of confidence is a sheer lack of experience or understanding of how to deal with others. What to say, what not to say, etc., is unknown to those of us who fall under this category.

Dale Carnegie (whom will be mentioned frequently here at youshydevilyou) wrote a book over 70 years ago called How to Win Friends & Influence People. Much of this book still rings true today, and it is from this book I will draw a quote:

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

I see this question as a kind of litmus test: those who read that quote and responded: “Well, duh!” probably need not read further. Wait, no! Stick around, really!

But seriously, there is a point I’m trying to make here: for some people, this truth is intuitive. For others, this is a completely foreign concept.

Allow me phrase the dichotomy another way. The people who understand this statement deal with what people “want”: What people want to hear, don’t want to hear, and why they want to hear it. Those who do not grasp this concept deal with what people “need”: they think about what people “need” to hear, don’t “need” to hear and why they “need” to hear it. Left brain/right brain much?

Herein lies the rub: what people want isn’t always (and is rarely) what they need. People, uh, want to hear what they want to hear.

The first lesson in dealing with others is understanding how to tell somebody what they want to hear. In fact, telling people what they need to hear, even if not ill-intentioned, will lose you more friends than it gains.

Over the next few days, I’ll put together a three article series on the topic (based on Carnegie’s work):

1. Something All People Hate to Hear, but You Probably Tell Them Anyway
2. On what people want to hear: The Biggest Secret of Dealing with People
3. For Great Justice, Arouse in Others an Eager Want